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Anyone who knows me, knows that I try to be as transparent as possible. I try to be as real as I can be- to be a "real" person, not just a Pastor's wife. Having that title is very conflicting for me because I simply don't feel like one. Old ways of thinking are very hard to change and when I think of what a Pastor's wife should be like (in my opinion), I am way off the mark. In fact, I may not even be on the map! But that is neither here nor there. Getting in to the right frame of mind to pull a post together has been more than difficult. Honestly, I haven't wanted to. While trying to get motivated, I was reading through some old notes on 3 kinds of spirits in a church. Of course, now that I finally sit down to do this, I can't find them again- so I'm going to have to go from memory which is fine because only one of those spirits mattered to me anyway and it's the one I remember.
Every church has a "Jezebel" spirit in it. Maybe even several. If you don't know what I am referring to, Look her up in the Bile and study about her. She is an awful woman. I can remember back several years when we had this problem in our church. There was one person in particular that really seemed to rub me the wrong way. Having this "jezebel" spirit doesn't necessarily mean you are a bad person. It's an attitude. Sometimes it can be an attitude and a mindset that you can hide pretty well from others, but it's still there and YOU know it.
Let me stop right here and ask a question. Have you ever felt like you have been sucker punched by God? I mean one of those out of the blue kind of things? If you answered yes, then you will be able to understand what I'm about to share with you.
So fast forward several years to me sitting on my living room floor going through old notes for this post. I was reading those notes thinking " I remember this sermon" among some other things that weren't very Godly, when WHAM! Sucker punched. That "Still, Small Voice" didn't feel like either one of those when it told me I was looking into a mirror. Oh, the shock and denial. I WAS NOT this person! But, as the minutes passed and I got over the initial loss of breath, I sheepishly looked into that mirror and was embarrassed, humiliated, and in truth a bit angry at what I saw looking back at me. But it was honest. Yep, I had to accept it. I have become what I have despised in others. I may not be as far down that road as they are, but I have definitely made it a good distance. It's no secret that I am a pessimist and I know my personality is to make things bigger & worse than they really are, but when I look back- I can't see where I took the off ramp.
Now I have to do the work within myself to find where I wandered off and to get back to where I was spiritually. I can still see God from where I am, but I let go of His hand a long time ago and have been wandering on my own for a bit.
So what do I want to leave you with today? I guess it would be to not be afraid to look into whatever mirror God holds up to you. Don't be afraid or reject what you see. If He takes the time to show you, it's for your good. Just like when we take the time to correct our children's behavior or actions. Accept it. Own it. Work to make whatever changes are necessary, and be thankful.