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The other night in church, our Pastor made a comment that I have not been able to stop thinking about. Sometimes, most times, I find myself seeing that things are for 'other' people. You know what I mean? That this promise, that word of encouragement, this blessing, and yep- even the sermons that should step on MY toes are meant for others. None of that could possibly be personal & for me (of all people).
I have a sign on my wall that says: "Faith is not believing GOD can, it is believing He will" Time and again I stumble and fall here. I get lost in the everyday stuff and I KNOW He can, but forget to believe that HE WILL. Not to mention that HE IS already. I just can't see it and if I'm honest, I'm not even really looking. You see, I know me. I know me like no other human being does. I get convinced that it's just not for me, that I'm just not good enough. I'm not worthy. This has been a life long struggle for me- the feelings of not being good enough or worthy. Because I am who I am, and I have the personality that I do- it is very hard for me to see passed my flaws and failures and to accept that everything that is available to the most Godly person I know is also available to me. While GOD is no respecter of persons, I am; and no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to measure up (because of course I am comparing myself to others). So then I wonder "why?" Why would GOD want to have anything to do with me and I list out all the 'ugly', the sin, the mediocre, the shortcomings, the failures, the disbelief. In looking at that list, I am convinced that I am right. I accept it and move on. Then, my Pastor makes a statement that stops me right in my self-pitying tracks...
"What about David?"
"Ok, What about David? Yep, he killed Goliath. Man after GOD's own heart. Got it.", I think. David, like so many others in the bible, have become mere characters. I think we sometimes forget they were REAL people. I know that I do. Then he goes on to reveal what kind of man He was. These things I knew, but for whatever reason, kept it separate in my mind from David the Giant Killer. So he begins to list things ( I love a list- I can work with a list!)
When I wrote down these things in a list, I thought "man, this is a BAD guy" My next thought, in my own self-righteousness, was that my list isn't THAT bad. Then my personality kicked in and I automatically thought "how could GOD use him the way He did? How could he be called a man after GOD's own heart? He doesn't deserve that!"
Then it hit me-Do I believe that in GOD's eyes ALL sin is equal? Yes. Then, yes, my list is just as bad as David's. So if God would do what He did with/for David and give him that name, is that available to me?
How is that possible? How could David have the confidence to go boldly before GOD? To go into battle KNOWING that GOD would protect him? To get promises from GOD? To rule? To write so many of the Psalms? I mean, he KNEW who he was, what kind of person he was, all the ugly inside.He knew the truth. He also knew A truth. He knew that whatever was on his list, no matter how bad- when God saw him, He saw him through the blood of Jesus. He didn't see him as man sees; and if God saw David that way, doesn't He see us all that way no matter what our list looks like? That is how David was able to get up day after day and to do all the things that he did and to have the kind of confidence that I wish I had. He knew and accepted that the way he saw himself was not the way GOD saw him.
You see, we don't have to meet a certain criteria to suddenly become worthy or accepted by GOD. Through the blood, we are all good enough. All the things that feel unavailable to us because of how we see ourselves, in reality, are available. We need to shake off the blinders and see it for ourselves. No one can do this for us. No one can do this for me. It's a truth that we must accept. I'm not going to lie, it's a struggle for me, but I'm working on it.